Changing Yourself and Your Marriage Partner

Marriage is about change in everything in life, including changing each other.

At the beginning of a marriage, every change may seem refreshing, like sunshine and fresh air. But, before long, two people spending a lot of time together will notice their many differences in their characters, in their thinking, and in their daily preferences. These differences may result in dissatisfaction. Even small annoying qualities, if they aren’t changed, will lead to frustration and tension.

So, changing each other is no longer an option. But how to change each other?

What to do

Be honest with yourself: what you like, and what you don’t like in your marriage partner.

Create some teachable moments to express your advice, such as in a peaceful and quiet environment: “Honey, you just have to be more careful.”

Express your helpful suggestions with your kindness: “Darling, please don’t do it again.”

Always use “I” to express your own feelings, instead of “you”, connotating blame and judgment: “I’m very upset.”

Always ask questions first to have a better understanding of the situation, as well as to show your “less critical” view of the unpleasant situation: “Please tell me, in the first place, what really happened.”

What not to do

Avoid direct and personal criticism: “I’ve never seen someone like you!”

Stop your demand: “Stop doing this!”

Never threaten your spouse: “If you ever do it again, I will . . .”

The reality

Everybody needs to change as life goes on. But the change may be slow and subtle, and therefore unrecognized by an individual. If the changes are negative, as perceived by the marriage partner of that individual, then those changes ought to be recognized and addressed by both to improve their marriage relationship.

So, changing each other should always be in the form of a request, and not a demand, and the request should offer feedback with love and concern. Also, remove any judgment to show your care and concern. Always focus on the problem itself, and not on the individual. With your empathy, connection or re-connection to each other may ensue.

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

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