How to Save Your Marriage

 The rate of divorce is skyrocketing in the United States, and the U.S. Census estimates about half of marriages end in divorce.  According to relationship experts, the number of long-term relationships heading towards separation is becoming more frequent with a longer life span and a growing acceptability of divorce.

What some experts are saying is that people divorce because they have a longer lifespan, and that divorce is no longer a social taboo.

The bottom line is that marriage is not a dress that you throw away when it no longer fits you. If you find that your body has outgrown the dress, you can slim down so that you can fit into the dress again, or you can have it altered so that it can fit into you. In other words, life is about changes, and so is marriage. You just have to adapt yourself to these changes, and that makes it challenging and interesting. You don’t just walk away from a marriage because you don’t like it anymore. A marriage is a lifetime commitment for thick and thin, for better and for worse.

"Staying in exactly the right relationship to one another is a very hard thing to maintain every decade," said Pepper Schwartz, professor of sociology at the University of Washington. "People think you only get closer over time, but that's not necessarily true."

The breakups of couples married for several decades are "cold divorces," characterized by disengagement, distance and isolation. These kinds of divorces are the products of a gradual buildup. The problems may have festered to the point where no one cares.

Marriage counselors say there are benchmarks in a typical marriage where divorce is more apt to occur.

First, divorces often happen during the initial two years of marriage when the expected honeymoon period is replaced with the reality of getting accustomed to each other's attitudes and living habits. A second point for divorce is around the five to seven year mark, where children are typically born.

And divorce can also happen when the kids leave home. Some empty nesters divorce because they no longer have their children holding them together.

One of the best ways to renew marital affection and interest is to face new challenges together, especially in the golden years when there are many new issues in life. Coping with these problems may renew their cooling and dwindling marital love.

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Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau